They say that a life left unexamined is not worth living or something to that extent. I can honestly say that I have routinely examined my thoughts and actions ever since I first heard the saying. Not only that but, when you venture within the various philosophical paths in human history, that theme is recurring in various forms. I was always a seeker such that if it was something I could get paid for then I certainly would be a wealthy man right now.

At some point do you start to examine too much? Can’t you get into a rut where you always seem to be at a crossroads?

It sometimes, at this age, seems like that to me and that is what is the inspiration for this post.

On one hand, I have always put a lot of energy into the work that I do and get paid for with a salary on a daily basis and then on the other hand I want to achieve greater things but seem to lack motivation after work which is where I indulge in going from interest to interest without a clear vision. I’m like a dog chasing a squirrel.

I have reached a point where I really need to decide.

I feel that I am at a very creative and motivated peak in my life and at the same time, feel that I am not in the right environment for my mindset.

I want very much to be part of a, get-it-done, nothing’s impossible, kind of team. I think the only way for me to do that is to create it myself.

Could I really motivate of group of people who are easily 30+ years old to change their way of thinking about their job? This includes management.

But I digress……

Despite my apparent confusion, I have over the years, developed a very strong philosophical foundation that I think has saved me a lot of heartache and confusion over the years. The main principle though, that I have incorporated into my thinking for at least 26 years now is that, I am responsible.

No matter what, what happens to me at every level of my life is my responsibility. Doesn’t’ matter if I feel that I was wronged, screwed over, etc. I don’t even think in those terms, ‘So and so did this TO me’. I will never think of myself as a victim. I don’t consider myself to have enemies and I don’t hold a grudge.

The present is all a culmination of decisions and their repercussions, big or small, good or bad, over the years.

I’m not the most popular guy in the room either. At work, I don’t really fit in to the “office” work ethic. Mostly in my work career I have had some type of variety in what I do in that, I didn’t always have to sit at a desk, There was always the desk and….

But now for the last two years it has been just the desk and I feel that a lot of people lack the inspiration to really make meaningful changes where they work and that it’s mostly just about getting a paycheck and smiling and and agreeing. And then retiring and death.

I really like the company I work for though. It’s position within the industry and where it sits among its competition. It inspires me to make it great and in the 8 years I have been there, it’s always been a finger pointing game or people making the statement that “things move slowly here, glacial slow” right? I think that is definition of shirking responsibility.

Doesn’t anyone stop to consider that things don’t move on their own and within a corporate setting it’s everyone that is “responsible” for the outcome?

Especially if this company is owned by a Japanese conglomerate. No one really has any skin in the game except for the conglomerate. And that leaves them with no voice in the matter. They have to rely on a couple of key things; the financials and what the upper management tells them; how they convey the state of things, e.g, morale, progress, roadblocks, etc. Someone will perpetuate a lie or a half-truth for as long as it is in their best interest (paycheck). Maybe not a total egregious lie, perhaps just not telling the whole truth whether it be watered down and spiced up. If they even know what the whole truth is because, they also have subordinates.

I recently have taken the liberty to try and be an example of the good points which I speak about, at work. I kind of like being the one striving for better things and people knowing that but then also now, I am putting even more energy into the job leaving myself still in an indecisive frame of mind.

Writing this blog post has been some good therapy. I think I’ll end it here.

But maybe, I just need to re-tool what motivates me to take action and make some improvements.